What I really am?

With every acusation, every abuse, every arguing this question raises in me. Every time I encounter such isue the question is stronger in me and despite I am 100 percent sure that I am true and honest when such isue happens, later, when I ponder my thoughts about this the doubts are growing bigger.

Am I really what I’m presenting myself for to the people? Am I really honest? Am I really friendly? Do I actually judge the people right? Do I do right thing when taking offensive position? Is there any need to be so agressive to some particular gropus of people? These are the questions which are in my thoughts more an dmore often.

I think I’m honest, but am I really always honest enough or am I just like all people, saying one thing and thinking another? Thinking one thing and not saying it but rather holding it for yourself is one thing, but thinking one thing and saying another is something totally different. It’s dishonesty, hipocracy. Do I not many times talk with my friends saying something about someone, but never tell this something to the particular person who concerns this? I have to admit I do this quite often and the excuses for this are that this particular person gets upset with just onything I say.

I say I like kids and I understand them. I want to help them. Yes, once upon a time, before iBx day came and the most disasterous things happened to me, this was true. Now I am still saying all this very often, but do I still really am capable of this all? I’m more like warior against kids now being suspicious every time a kid pings me on messenger. All magic has gone. I’m not young in my heart and thoughts anymore. I’m afraid of kids and of being abused, being always allerted about what bad comes next. So my claims that I love kids maybe don’t hold anymore.

I claim I would like to help kids, but aren’t these only words? When a kid pings me on messenger I’m almost alergic of hearing the word »help« from him. Understandable in a way. I was abused by those I loved the most – kids.

I say I have insights, but do I really have them? Wasn’t maybe getting in one person’s boots only a wish to control everything, to dominate? There was a time I really felt persons, especially kids, feeling their feelings and thoughts when something good or bad happened to them. I felt pain when a kid lost his toys by really unpleasant and unjust circumstance. I cried that time. I really felt all the excitment when a kid told me about his exploring missions and about what he might have seen and is tended to observe closely. I even encourraged him to do that. I really felt pain when something bad happened to my friend or even someone I only know. I felt pride when something good and great happened to someone what he or she could be proud of. I felt like I would be there, but now … this all has gone. If there’s any tinny drop of insights in me I push it somewhere it can not come back into existence. My insights are dead.

I say I don’t long for recognition of my deeds and popularity, but is this really true? Don’t we all do something for being recognized, respected and maybe even famous? If I’m honest then deep inside I wish some of my work would be recognized and praised after all.

I say I’m friendly, but don’t I mostly come somewhere (on the net) to opose to something and argue about something? I see incdorrections sooner then good things and I hardly have a good word for something even for myself what for the others.

I say I donate and yes, I do. But is that enough? Can this be called donation at all? Do I give enough?

I say I love my husband and son, but do I love them enough or should I give more? Am I really good mother and wife? Are my educational methods right or everything my son will get at the end will be disappointment upon his mother?

I say I’m searching for spiritual higher dimensions, but do I really do this? I read some things, that’s true and I’m very enthusiastic about this, but then after a while the enthusiasm fades and I’m usually going backwards.

I say I don’t believe in God, but is that really true? I believe in someone higher upon us, but what can this be other then God anyway no matter how I call him.

I say I’ll never go to USA and that I don’t mind what people there are thinking about me, but doesn’t one part of me wish this exactly? Going there, clear my name and get back some friends? Oh, yes, that last is greater utopia then Marx’s comunism was and I also know that I could get there only more enemies and even less friends., because I believe no one there will ever understand some things and it would be a waste of time to explain them anyway.

I say I’ll never do this or that, but don’t I at the end do exactly what I said I won’t do? Don’t I eat all my promises given to myself? Well, I rearly eat promises given to other people, but I step on every promise given to myself.

I would like to get a better job and they all say I have enough (basical) education to do that, but do I do something in making this wish come true? Don’t I have plenty of excuses for not doing it?

I say I don’t care about the money and as little of it I have someone would say I really don’t mind too much about it, but don’t I think very often about what I should buy yet, what should I have? I’m not greedy, this I can say, but at the same thiem I’m thinking very often about how to get higher salary.

I say I can’t do any business neither online nor offline, but am I not only too lazy to do something? I’m working GDI for more then 6 years now, but I don’t have any success with it. but am I honest enough to say that I didn’t do enough to acheeve something? Wasn’t I only too lazy and all sort of difficulties I’ve encou
nterred were only a good excuse for lazyness?

I say I’m psychically tired and because of this incapable of leading any department at work and of developing new opportunities for my people, but is this really so? Partly yes, but in majority I may be incapable for this job.

I say I leave freedom of thinking to the people, but talking about something to someone do I really do so? Am I not inplanting and forcing my views and believes to the others? Am I not too pushy?

I say people don’t like me and they betray me sooner or later, but am i not just too annoying and this for unbearable so it’s only my guilt I loose all my friends sooner or later?

I say I cherish nature, but do I really do enough to preserve it. Am I in harmony with it at all? There are the times when it’s really so. I go for a walk in a forrest, catch the beautiful and magnificient scenes of the nature in my camera, enjoying the air and sun, but then there are the times when I’m most happy to be at home, indors. Something like this goes with wastes and recycling them. I can be even too faithful to this virtue, but then at some ocassions I even don’t mind too much for that. I’m just not 100 percent ecologist like I am saying I am and like I should according to this be.

I say I would go somewhere, but when the times of departure comes I rather would stay at home.

We’re quite »lazy« family lately and I’m the first to say we should move our life a bit, but then when it comes to deeds I’m the last one to really do something.

I say I don’t pretend and this is the only thing that is 100 true. I am what I am. You can always see my real me and there’s no hidden one who would appear after a while of friendship or acquaintance.

Well, I say all these things and maybe some more, but as this article was written quite a while ago when I was in the periode of all these »disasters« of accusing and abusing many things had actually changed. I really worked quite hard to harmonize myself with these affirmations written above and correct the errors.

Now you’ll hear the truth from me would it be good or hard one.

You’ll se me donating and when I am not in the possibility to do so I simply say I can not do that and don’t pretend that I’m all mighty one who will do something just to satisfie my ego.

I am not eager of going somewhere just because one expects from me to do so.

I can admit that I am annoying but I don’t try to express any thoughts and feelings to one I talk anymore. I tend rather to listen to him/her. My problems are not important anymore when talking to someone. I rather listen to the one I talk with, but yet … I don’t tend to help with his/her problems anymore.

And as I’ve said … my insignts are gone purposly. I don’t feel anything anymore. Why should I after all? Who am I to care about someone’s mind, thoughts, believes, fears or feelings? Nobody and if people are feeling threatened by showing my insights and help them on basis of them, why I should do that at all?

Some time ago (in good old days) everyone was my friend and I was eager to meet as many people as I could being this online or offline, but today they have to find me and they have to be the ones who would add me to profile, messenger or something like this. I don’t bother with that anymore.

Yes, I have changed in many ways. I’m not agressive toward any group of people anymore except to those men who the only way of thinking and living is sex one way or another. You know, those who come to messenger, seing the prety girl on the picture and instead of first ever »Hello« they put up the question »Do you have a webcam?« You all know what purpose mostly are webcams used for. Those are still on my black list and will be for as long as I live.

So this is real me today, this time with no pretending, eaten promisses and such things, still too lazy to travel and yet I’ve visited already the whole world, surfing the Internet and chatting with some good friends allaround. I still eat a promisse to myself now and then, but instead of beign always in this situation I rather don’t make any promisses anymore. But one promise I tend to keep as long as I live (no hard feelings people, but that’s how it is) that is not to go to USA. I feel this is not a place for me though I have some really good friends there and also some relatives. The way of living there (as much as I could read and hear from the others) would not suit me and I would probably feel quite unpleasant so why to run my head into troubles if this is not neccessary. Well, however this deceision surely doesn’t make Americans my enemies, but they’re still my friends in many ways from providing me with the web services, software and such stuff to enabling me to be present on the net at all.

Good luck to all and if you meet me somewhere some day … you are always welcome to tap me on my sholder, but do this very carefully … J