What I really am?

With every acusation, every abuse, every arguing this question raises in me. Every time I encounter such isue the question is stronger in me and despite I am 100 percent sure that I am true and honest when such isue happens, later, when I ponder my thoughts about this the doubts are growing bigger.

Am I really what I’m presenting myself for to the people? Am I really honest? Am I really friendly? Do I actually judge the people right? Do I do right thing when taking offensive position? Is there any need to be so agressive to some particular gropus of people? These are the questions which are in my thoughts more an dmore often.

I think I’m honest, but am I really always honest enough or am I just like all people, saying one thing and thinking another? Thinking one thing and not saying it but rather holding it for yourself is one thing, but thinking one thing and saying another is something totally different. It’s dishonesty, hipocracy. Do I not many times talk with my friends saying something about someone, but never tell this something to the particular person who concerns this? I have to admit I do this quite often and the excuses for this are that this particular person gets upset with just onything I say.

I say I like kids and I understand them. I want to help them. Yes, once upon a time, before iBx day came and the most disasterous things happened to me, this was true. Now I am still saying all this very often, but do I still really am capable of this all? I’m more like warior against kids now being suspicious every time a kid pings me on messenger. All magic has gone. I’m not young in my heart and thoughts anymore. I’m afraid of kids and of being abused, being always allerted about what bad comes next. So my claims that I love kids maybe don’t hold anymore.

I claim I would like to help kids, but aren’t these only words? When a kid pings me on messenger I’m almost alergic of hearing the word »help« from him. Understandable in a way. I was abused by those I loved the most – kids.

I say I have insights, but do I really have them? Wasn’t maybe getting in one person’s boots only a wish to control everything, to dominate? There was a time I really felt persons, especially kids, feeling their feelings and thoughts when something good or bad happened to them. I felt pain when a kid lost his toys by really unpleasant and unjust circumstance. I cried that time. I really felt all the excitment when a kid told me about his exploring missions and about what he might have seen and is tended to observe closely. I even encourraged him to do that. I really felt pain when something bad happened to my friend or even someone I only know. I felt pride when something good and great happened to someone what he or she could be proud of. I felt like I would be there, but now … this all has gone. If there’s any tinny drop of insights in me I push it somewhere it can not come back into existence. My insights are dead.

I say I don’t long for recognition of my deeds and popularity, but is this really true? Don’t we all do something for being recognized, respected and maybe even famous? If I’m honest then deep inside I wish some of my work would be recognized and praised after all.

I say I’m friendly, but don’t I mostly come somewhere (on the net) to opose to something and argue about something? I see incdorrections sooner then good things and I hardly have a good word for something even for myself what for the others.

I say I donate and yes, I do. But is that enough? Can this be called donation at all? Do I give enough?

I say I love my husband and son, but do I love them enough or should I give more? Am I really good mother and wife? Are my educational methods right or everything my son will get at the end will be disappointment upon his mother?

I say I’m searching for spiritual higher dimensions, but do I really do this? I read some things, that’s true and I’m very enthusiastic about this, but then after a while the enthusiasm fades and I’m usually going backwards.

I say I don’t believe in God, but is that really true? I believe in someone higher upon us, but what can this be other then God anyway no matter how I call him.

I say I’ll never go to USA and that I don’t mind what people there are thinking about me, but doesn’t one part of me wish this exactly? Going there, clear my name and get back some friends? Oh, yes, that last is greater utopia then Marx’s comunism was and I also know that I could get there only more enemies and even less friends., because I believe no one there will ever understand some things and it would be a waste of time to explain them anyway.

I say I’ll never do this or that, but don’t I at the end do exactly what I said I won’t do? Don’t I eat all my promises given to myself? Well, I rearly eat promises given to other people, but I step on every promise given to myself.

I would like to get a better job and they all say I have enough (basical) education to do that, but do I do something in making this wish come true? Don’t I have plenty of excuses for not doing it?

I say I don’t care about the money and as little of it I have someone would say I really don’t mind too much about it, but don’t I think very often about what I should buy yet, what should I have? I’m not greedy, this I can say, but at the same thiem I’m thinking very often about how to get higher salary.

I say I can’t do any business neither online nor offline, but am I not only too lazy to do something? I’m working GDI for more then 6 years now, but I don’t have any success with it. but am I honest enough to say that I didn’t do enough to acheeve something? Wasn’t I only too lazy and all sort of difficulties I’ve encou
nterred were only a good excuse for lazyness?

I say I’m psychically tired and because of this incapable of leading any department at work and of developing new opportunities for my people, but is this really so? Partly yes, but in majority I may be incapable for this job.

I say I leave freedom of thinking to the people, but talking about something to someone do I really do so? Am I not inplanting and forcing my views and believes to the others? Am I not too pushy?

I say people don’t like me and they betray me sooner or later, but am i not just too annoying and this for unbearable so it’s only my guilt I loose all my friends sooner or later?

I say I cherish nature, but do I really do enough to preserve it. Am I in harmony with it at all? There are the times when it’s really so. I go for a walk in a forrest, catch the beautiful and magnificient scenes of the nature in my camera, enjoying the air and sun, but then there are the times when I’m most happy to be at home, indors. Something like this goes with wastes and recycling them. I can be even too faithful to this virtue, but then at some ocassions I even don’t mind too much for that. I’m just not 100 percent ecologist like I am saying I am and like I should according to this be.

I say I would go somewhere, but when the times of departure comes I rather would stay at home.

We’re quite »lazy« family lately and I’m the first to say we should move our life a bit, but then when it comes to deeds I’m the last one to really do something.

I say I don’t pretend and this is the only thing that is 100 true. I am what I am. You can always see my real me and there’s no hidden one who would appear after a while of friendship or acquaintance.

Well, I say all these things and maybe some more, but as this article was written quite a while ago when I was in the periode of all these »disasters« of accusing and abusing many things had actually changed. I really worked quite hard to harmonize myself with these affirmations written above and correct the errors.

Now you’ll hear the truth from me would it be good or hard one.

You’ll se me donating and when I am not in the possibility to do so I simply say I can not do that and don’t pretend that I’m all mighty one who will do something just to satisfie my ego.

I am not eager of going somewhere just because one expects from me to do so.

I can admit that I am annoying but I don’t try to express any thoughts and feelings to one I talk anymore. I tend rather to listen to him/her. My problems are not important anymore when talking to someone. I rather listen to the one I talk with, but yet … I don’t tend to help with his/her problems anymore.

And as I’ve said … my insignts are gone purposly. I don’t feel anything anymore. Why should I after all? Who am I to care about someone’s mind, thoughts, believes, fears or feelings? Nobody and if people are feeling threatened by showing my insights and help them on basis of them, why I should do that at all?

Some time ago (in good old days) everyone was my friend and I was eager to meet as many people as I could being this online or offline, but today they have to find me and they have to be the ones who would add me to profile, messenger or something like this. I don’t bother with that anymore.

Yes, I have changed in many ways. I’m not agressive toward any group of people anymore except to those men who the only way of thinking and living is sex one way or another. You know, those who come to messenger, seing the prety girl on the picture and instead of first ever »Hello« they put up the question »Do you have a webcam?« You all know what purpose mostly are webcams used for. Those are still on my black list and will be for as long as I live.

So this is real me today, this time with no pretending, eaten promisses and such things, still too lazy to travel and yet I’ve visited already the whole world, surfing the Internet and chatting with some good friends allaround. I still eat a promisse to myself now and then, but instead of beign always in this situation I rather don’t make any promisses anymore. But one promise I tend to keep as long as I live (no hard feelings people, but that’s how it is) that is not to go to USA. I feel this is not a place for me though I have some really good friends there and also some relatives. The way of living there (as much as I could read and hear from the others) would not suit me and I would probably feel quite unpleasant so why to run my head into troubles if this is not neccessary. Well, however this deceision surely doesn’t make Americans my enemies, but they’re still my friends in many ways from providing me with the web services, software and such stuff to enabling me to be present on the net at all.

Good luck to all and if you meet me somewhere some day … you are always welcome to tap me on my sholder, but do this very carefully … J

Fairy-tales

Did your kid ever asked you: “Pap, mom, read me a fairy-tale.” Did you read one? Or you maybe just answered: “Not now, it’s too late.” or “Not now, I don’t have time for this. Maybe later.” and then there was never that “later” at all. I admit, 3 or 4 years ago I’ve sometimes – but really only sometimes – gave the same reply, but more then my son is growing, more I’m aware of how precious such moments are, which parents just shouldn’t let them pass by. Well, it happens sometimes that we really don’t have the time or we just aren’t in the mood for reading. That time we really can do an exception and don’t read the fairy-tale, but not because we wouldn’t have the time, but because we’re just too tired for this or we maybe even don’t feel well at the momment. If you explain this to your kid proper way, he’ll surely understand and won’t bother too much anymore.

I like to read fairy-tales, I like to read them aloud and I like to read them to my now already 8-years old son. And not only fairy-tales, but also children’s poems which are so cute sometimes, that you just have to read them. I like to read to my son and I would like to read the fairy-tales to all of the kids of this world if I could because I know that in many places children simply don’t know what fairy-tales are as no one has the time to tell or read them to them or there’s no one to do that for them as they’re there somewhere out there alone on the whole world, abandoned and lonly. I think about this – probably just somewhere in my mind though – quite often when I read the fairy-tales and poems from some “Ciciban” or the book which was read already thousand times, but is still great for reading, to my son at the evenings before going to bed. Often the tears come into my eyes and actually I even don’t know why is that. Fairy-tales are what brings me back to my childhood. They are what makes me to become tender and awake that – those last two or three years intentionally so subdued – love toward kids in me.

Kids simply have to have fairy-tales. This is their world, the world which no one should ever take from them. Beautiful fairy and always so just world which we all outgrow too soon. But why? I like to read fairy-tales even if I don’t read them to the kids, but for myself. Why not after all? Why we wouldn’t run away from this our tough dally life, which is for a lot of people not roseate at all in some other, pretier world, although only for that 1, 2, 70, 100, 200 or I don’t know how many pages. Fairy-tales are, what makes kid’s world rich, sets forth their imagination and fills their spirit with infinite energy which adds wings to their creativity.

The evening which ends with a fairy-tale which we read to our kid is beautiful. It rocks our kid to sweet dreams and gives to us kind of inner warmth, the feeling, that we’ve done something good for our little ones. And as we read, we aren’t even aware, that we alone are writing the most beautiful fairy-tale ever written – fairy-tale about happy kids to who moms and dads read the fairy-tale with love and with that rock them every evening into sweet dreams. Fairy-tale about how the golden bond of love is waved inbetween us – parents – and our little ones who we love endlessly.

Don’t say “I don’t have the time …” if possible, but read the fairy-tales to your children and you’ll see that it’s something most beautiful to be together, sit quietly and listen … or read with all your love to your children … A FAIRY-TALE.

 

Slovensko

Abusing kids

We hear about abusing kids all the time and some people are even so passionate in this that they see the way of abusement in everything you can think of. And many more of them think that one single word or look to foreign kid is the result of wanting something from him. Usually the real abuse isn’t seen and that happens even more if abusers are the parents themselves. When talking about abusing we usually asociate this with sexual abuse and that’s almost all. But aren’t all the parents abusing their kids in a way? OUTRAGES! you’ll exclame. Yes, but only at the first glance.

Be honest toward yourselves and think a bit. How many of you – parents – want that your kids would fulfill your dreams, the dreams you once dreamed and you couldn’t make them true by yourselves? How many of you have demands toward your kids to become what you are just because of the family tradition and good public name? Did you ever ask your kid if he really wants this and if that is really the best for him? Do you ever realize that when you were young there were different times?

Did you ever demand from your kids to learn this or that because everybody in your social class are doing this particular thing? Your kid doesn’t have any talent for music for example, but he has to play piano anyway. Your daughter maybe doesn’t have any talent for ballet, but she has to attend the ballet classes etc, etc. Many kids don’t have the talent for what they have to do and they don’t even like to do these things, but parents – they don’t listen. They persuit their kids to do the things just because they think this has to be so in accordance to their social status. They are something more then the other kids parents think so they just have to be talented for something parents want, wanting or not.

Isn’t abusing kids also when they have to listen to their parent’s bickering, yelling and sometimes even beating one another? Isn’t abusing kids also when the parents are divorced and they pull their kids from one another or push them to one another? Isn’t abusing kids when you don’t give them even the slidest chance to be heard, to have the decision rights on the family matters, to be taken as their own personalities? Yes, to let kids think their own way and make the decisions for themselves, that’s  what most parents can’t do. The most common saying is usually: What I’ll say and decide you will obey it unconditionally and without any disagreement. We are parents and we have total command under our kids and a lot of them just have to show that power in demanding and expecting …

But tell me something different: Did you ever think of how our society is abusive to our kids? Dividing people into social classes and casts by the most basic things like education, developing talents and interests and such things, this is the biggest abuse of all. That even in the richest and most democratic countries kids don’t have equal possibilities of education, developing their talents and integrating into society just because they’re maybe poorer and also from lower social classes or because they aren’t kids of famous persons, but just ordinary kids, this is by my opinion the biggest abuse of all.

Bombarding kids with too much fear toward strangers and socializing, having abnormal control under them, this is the second biggest one.

There are many more ways of abusing kids then just sexual one and the most of them are made at home and in the families.

That’s why I don’t have any expectations for my son. No dreams he should fulfill for me, no talents he has to develop just because I didn’t have the possibility for this to do by myself, no demands for him to be the first and the best. No, no such things. He’s the unique personality and despite his age he can and should have the right to take some decisions and participate in family matters.

And parents should learn how to listen and sometimes “obey” their kid’s decisions. Believe me, the relationship in the family would be much warmer and honest doing so and kids could fulfill their own dreams. You have to remember that only the person who is able and allowed to fulfill his own dreams can become really great personality and noble human being.

Slovensko

Holidays or Chronicle of the passing year

Christmas is comming again and will be here prety soon, but unfortunately every year this holiday of joy is less jolly. Last few years I hardly put the money for gifts together. Last year I didn’t have much money to buy some gifts, but this year I probably won’t buy any gifts at all. This year I even don’t hope for some checks to be payed what for buying presents. I don’t even know where to take some money to pay them.

And at such times I ask myself what brings the time till the end of this year, not only for me but for all of us? People are employed but earn less and less and the employers are more and more cruel and even in the time like Christmas is don’t care for anyone but themselves.

In such times I usually think about what was just passed year like and what happened during that year. I’m trying to think about good things which happened, but I hardly find some. There were mostly bad and unpleasant things which maybe just had to happen, I don’t know.

This year has begun continuing the last year’s isues and they didn’t end yet. I’ve got a bit of money, but as I wanted to do some urgent things at home, I’ve spent it for this purpose though I knew I’ll be in hopeless situation again. I’ve got consense with some kids I know from the forum I was banned off, but I had to do what I promissed to myself I won’t ever do. I’ve signed into their forum with another nickname. I wasn’t so extreamly happy as I was when I was invited to previous forum, but this was at least something. I’ve became even a mod there and actually I should be happy. But this is none of the forums I was invited in last year … so this is not the same. As I was banned from that forum last year, some kids, not quite connected to it left me too. They simply all of a sudden didn’t have the time to talk or to write an e-mail. They simply don’t have the time. Even one of my best friends doesn’t write anymore. She said she looked for me on the messengers, but I never saw her online … So this friendship went to waste somehow, too.

Last year I was a very colse friend also to one man, but in the beginning of this year this friendship he intended to make something more. He just couldn’t understand that I have my husband and am not willing to go away from him just to be with him. I also realized that there were a lot of lies on his part of friendship and that my banning from the forum I’ve mentioned above was in more close connection with him that I could imagine. I gave up on this friendship in hope that things will return in more normal order, but it wasn’t so at all. Nothing is like it was before and now I realize it never will be.

My father died last year in spring and I hoped all the formalities around the herritage will be done soon, but I was naive once again in my life thinking that father’s friend was honest. But she wasn’t She wants her share and now I can only wait what next months will bring. I don’t know whether she sued me or not. So for the top of the iceberg my home isn’t my yet at all. I can’t even think about what her “winning” could bring to us.

So the bad things are continuing. We played one online game and my friend grounded a guild which was really magnificient. Who woudl believe there was a bunch of lies and pretendings among the members, too. My friend grounded a club house at one of 3D messengers, pretending that it’s guild club house, but it was actually hiding place for him and (evenutally) me. Realizing what he wants I didn’t want to come there anymore. Right after that he got himself a new woman for what I actually was happy, but he threw away everything else. He didn’t care for the guild, forum, friends and even me anymore and everything fell to peaces. I hardly persued him to hand leadership of the guild over to me so we could continue, but it was laready too late. A lot of members – almost half of them dropped out and later on grounded their own guild lying and pretending they’re still my friends … Even some of them who stayed dropped out recently so there are hardly anyone from the first members there. Me and my husband are playing (or better were playing) every evening mostly just two of us and no other guild members so I even had a thought about dissmissing the guild. As things are happening this may even happen in the future, I don’t know.

With that, and with the fact that all children who were my friends once, abandoned me, I don’t need messenger anymore. Only jerks still are contacting me and that’s almost all. My webpages and spaces are deserted so I’m starting to considder to shut them down, too. And bad things aren’t over yet.

Life is green as I say. At work it’s everything even worse. We all of a sudden dn’t have real work but what we’ve got instead we actually don’t have freedom to be really creative. I’m sick and tired of everything and I am not really eager to go to work at all. It’s the time to change the job, but where to go? And even better question: Where to start? it’s worse and worse every day and even this magic time doesn’t bring me any joy at all.

Now for the top of everything my husband brought us a dog for my son to have it, but my son already feels it isn’t like he imagined. For me it’s just one expense more and consumer of my so short free time. I said my reasons against it, but no one really listened.

So this, for a lot of people magnificient time, is actually most hopeless and unhappy time for me. What could rejoyce me? Nothing at all. No money, no friends, no guild members, no herritage, high expences and bad job. What can I be happy for at all? I won’t be able to go to buy presents even for my son and husband and all what remains are regular expences and loans. I should work something else and earn something but I have no will to do anything at all.

 

Slovensko

Time

Did you ever get the feeling that time is running faster and faster, that the World is going around faster as we like to say? I often have this feeling and I don’t know exactly if this is only a feeling one gets sometimes or is this really so. I have my own theory about this which may be totally unlogical, … or maybe not? The theory is the result of thinking about positive and negative, darkness and light, about the messuring of time and about the corse everything is spinning. It’s not neccessary that you agree with it as I never have proven it scientifically.

Well, let’s take a closer view to this (strange) theory of mine. As you already know, or you’ll find this out just now, the majority of things is spinning in the clock direction. I believe that this is the direction of propelling the time. If something is spinning into this direction, we say it’s spinning forward. Did you get it already? Not yet? Let’s go further. What spinned forward in old times and most of all what spinned at all? Everything, you’ll say. Yes, maybe, but think closely and you’ll find out that it was much less of this “everything” that times. There were no computers and the rest of the digital technology, which is spinning today with enormous speed, hardly believable for us. That “everything” what existed in the history, spinned much slower. Did you get it already? More and faster and always – ummm, well almost always – only forwards – in clock direction. When we switch the computer on, the discs start to spin around with enormous speed – forwards. The propeller in the dishwashing machine which splashes water around spins slower, but still – forwards. Kids dance in the circle very slow, but mostly – forwards. We are writing from the left to the right, what basically means in the clock direction – forwards… When you turn around maybe to see who is behined you, you probably usually (pay attention) turn rights. And we could find some more examples. Well, as you see, on this world everything is spinning and besides exceptions, everything is spinning forwards … forwards … forwards. Everything spins forwards and propel the time to run faster and faster as more and more things spins faster and faster. It’s probably clear to you now what I mean.

The space consists from dimensions and energies and one of them is time. As it’s possible to change and travel through every dimension, I believe the time is no exception and one day the movies about time machines and travelings through the time won’t be science fiction for propelling our imagination anymore, but (maybe cruel) reality.

And now, let’s spinn a bit into left direction, that means backwards – in the oposite clock direction. Do you believe that it’s possible to stop the time or maybe even spin it backwards? Think! If that “everything” what today spinns in forward direction with such enormous speed, all of a sudden start to spin beckwards? We would stop the time, but we wouldn’t turn it backwards yet. To spin the time backwards we would need to spin this “evferything” with the doubled speed but we would hardly move somewhere … Yes I believe this is possible, but would you really want this to happen? We say to ourselves sometimes: “Oh, if I could turn time back …” You would do nothing. Everything would be the same, over and over again. If we’re only a bunch of energy which got soem kind of “real figure” form in this endless space, then you can maybe imagine what would happen with returning back in time. No? Did you ever have the situation when your computer simply has written on the screen that kind of error occured and you’ll lose the data you’ve just enterred in? If you work with the computers, you surely did. The data had been lost and the programs have shut down and you were mad as your work was for nothing and you’ll hae to do all of it again. Now imagine this univers is one big computer, where everything works normally as it should until one day such error occurs… And we’re in the middle of the way through the time. We’re a bunch of energy which should at the end of our journey be transformed into the shape we were in that particular time we’re going in. Oh, no, I am not inventing some kind of Fraknenstein monster, but … I presume we wouldn’t exist in too “pleasant” and “comfort” form. Hmmmm … and there would even be no one who would be mad because of lost data and to try to repair the things …

So the phrase that the time is running faster and faster isn’t only a bunch of empty words, which we usually use when someone blames us for not calling or visiting him for a long time, but cruel reality. And in the fload of everything on this world what spinns forwards faster and faster, we even are accelerating the time by ourselves.

This for you stop sometimes and don’t rush too much. And mostly … try to turn some things left sometimes and the time will maybe start to run slower for you … But watch out! Let it not run so slow that you’ll lose the touch of reality if we can say reality to this life we’re living. It seams many times to me that Matrix movies aren’t only a fiction, but that we’re living in one of such matrixes … Well, about the dimension we call reality, some other time …

Let me wish you only a beautiful and not too fast day at the end. You know this slogan, by us known mostly from the road traffic: The rush is regrettrable… Many times this is absolutely true … Well, good luck!

 

Slovensko

Kids

There was a time when I thought that kids can make me happy, that they can’t lie and are the most sincer creatures of the world, that they really like me and want my company. Yes, that’s what I thought and they really were a big inspiration to me for all kinds of projects I had in mind to give the kids something new and interesting. And my happiest times were those, when I’ve translated some books for Slovene children, played one most popular game with my friends on one most popular site, wished so eagerly to get known with some of those friends I’ve played with etc.

Then one day came the time when this really happened. I’ve “met” some of those friends and was even invited to one forum where I really felt at home and wanted. I thought I’ve met the dreams of my life – to be useful to some kids, to be their friend! This could never end I thought.

And then one day, when less expected, there came the truth out. I was acussed of being something I am not and I will never be, without any possibility of proving the oposite. At that particular momment I knew: I was betrayed. How many lies were said even before? How many insincerity was in their friendship so they all abandoned me? I was banned from that forum, blocked on messengers, joked out by many behined my back … And I thought kids can’t lie and are the most honest people one could know …

Well, I know all the kids aren’t liek that, but still … it’s painful when you realize that even single hello to those you hold dear can be neglected with such power of rejection, when you realize that your projects are for nothing and are held for themselves , when no one cares, even though they say they do, when they all of a sudden don’t have time even to reply with simple hello to yours one …

Yes, kids can be very unjust, insincer and very unkind, even mean … I know they have changed me in total. I thought I know with kids, especially when my own son was born, but now … I’ve regained some of my will for doing something for kids, like creating special webpages, translating etc … but I’ll think very carefully before dealing with kids in person. Normally besides simple reply to theri hello, there will be nothing anymore. I won’t be their crying sholder, advisor or whatever, even a friend … no, I’ll be just some woman who answers to their greetings and nothing more … Though being all this before, I was betrayed and part of me was “destroyed” and that’s something what I’ll try not to allow to happen again …

 

Slovensko